Dipping a Foot into the Deep End

You know how they say that you should do something that scares you every day?  Well, I may not do that -every- day, but lately I've been looking at myself and trying to find the things that actually make me happy.  It's not that I don't know how to be happy, of course, but what is it in life that actually makes me happy?

Being with John, of course--that's easy and a given, but everything else is sort of a mixed bag.  Even reading, which I love, isn't always easy.  For example, I've started reading The Library Book, but trying to get back to it has been...daunting.

In the past few weeks alone I've left behind a game that I really enjoyed playing, even if I still love the fandom of it.  I've embraced the idea that personal freedoms are worth fighting for--in the wake of the protests in Hong Kong, and I've been experiencing the highs and lows of actually putting my time and money toward those things that are important to me.

These things are not constant; they're not permanent or perfect, but I am trying.

I left behind Blizzard as a company because of their stance with regard to every voice mattering.  There are plenty of articles out there detailing their actions and reactions with regard to a Hearthstone player named Blitzchung--a game I don't play or really follow.  But what they did to him reminded me too much of Liu Xiaobo and his wife, Lia Xia.  Of the latter, I read an article in the NewYorker, I think, in which she recounted some of the inhumane ways she'd been treated while her husband remained in jail.  Their desire to be able to express themselves freely spoke to my soul, especially as a fellow creative.  Knowing how China treats its dissidents leaves me believing that Blitzchung did the right thing, and Blizzard did not.  You cannot say on one hand that you believe that every voice matters and then stand by and say a country that silences such voices is fine or that your business decisions aren't based on your having business in such places.

It wasn't an easy decision, and as silly as it may seem, I find my heart suffering from being unable to play and share in the joys of the games that Blizzard produces.  Admittedly, I only played World of Warcraft and was trying out its new Classic servers after being on a hiatus, but the community of people in that game have shaped several years of my life and giving that up--watching people that I admire and respect in those communities remaining while I have walked away, is difficult for me.

But, it was also the impetus to take the first step in wondering what it was about the game that made me happy.  It didn't seem to be the game itself, since I was willing and able to give that up for something I believed in.  So...what was it that I loved about it?

Each time, I come back to the creative process--creating a character, sharing a world and writings in that world: these things were the addiction for me.  The game was just a shorthand to finding like-minded lovers of lore and writing.

So...I am trying to branch out--seeing what's available on Discord--trying to find a community where maybe, eventually, I will find someone or many someones who enjoy spending time creating things with me.  It's been an up and down past few days--my emotions bouncing all over the place as I try to wrestle with who I am and who I want to be.  But I'm not giving up.  So, ...that's something, I suppose.

I'm going to try and start working on some personal notes for the stories I want to write with John.  I'm throwing myself into a book that I bought a while back in order to figure out the universe I want to write it in, and in the mean time, I guess I'll just have to be patient with myself.  At least this is a step in the right direction--even if it's not where I had hoped I'd be by now, or where I want myself to be.

Oh...and I'm considering giving up my Facebook account--a decision I'm wrestling with, since that's where most of our families post about themselves.  Going to need to think on this for now, I guess.

One last tidbit for today, a poem from a French teenager and climate activist and hacktivist.  While I don't agree that we shouldn't be trying to change the laws to better reflect what we want done, I do feel that changing the world to make it a better place is worthwhile.  And this poem that they've written stuck with me.  So I'll leave it here for you to read.

There are those who close their eyes
There are those who rebel.

It's the beginning of a revolution.
It's a rage, filled with love.

Now, my last hope is love.
Now, I only believe in love.

I fall into the void.
I can end up arrested, killed.
I can just disappear.

But I love you

— Robin Jullian (@RobinJullian) October 15, 2019

A special thank you to  Eric Holthaus from The Correspondent from bringing this wonderful poem to light.