But that also means I can't run away from my fears. There are reasons that I am afraid (mostly because there are a lot of unknowns when it comes to moving forward,) but understanding what those are can help me to build a plan to move past them.
It's easy to stay where you are. It's easy to look at a faraway goal and pretend that it isn't important or that if you just keep walking forward, you'll get there eventually. But hiding from your problems and your fears isn't going to make them go away. Pretending you'll "figure it all out eventually" isn't going to work if you don't actually choose to figure it out.
Taking this class on finding purpose and meaning in life is really scaring me right now. I have this fear that I'm definitely not doing it right. I know the first week explained what a purpose was; I read the words. I even took a test on them. But in my head, they're just words. How do you figure out the central theme of your life? Why don't I already have one? Why does everything seem a big jumbled mess that makes no sense now when I thought I had a good strategy for moving forward?
There is a part in the class where they're talking about how people react to threats, and how the response is greater or less depending on whether you are more community-minded (eudaimonic) or materialist (hedonic.) The eudaimonic people had a lesser response, while those who were more hedonic had a greater one. I kept wondering what my brain would say of me if I were put into the fMRI they were using to study this, and I feared that I'd end up being far more hedonic than I believe myself to be. It was a sobering (and very troubling,) thought to me--that in spite of my grand beliefs and desires for the world, I'm too scared to actually go out there into the world and try to do something about them. It's easy to sit here, writing these blogs from the comfort of my bedroom. It's easy to offer money to people doing work to help others uncover information about things that I find important. But what am I actually doing to support the people and causes in my life that are important to me? What am I doing to make my community better? How can I do more?
The reassuring thing is, I know I can't just run out there and start doing things; I'm not prepared for that. I need to take time to think through these one-day fears and desires and pull them apart. And then I need to plan a path forward so that when I do get to the point where I'm ready to do more than think about something, I have built a strong foundation upon which I can build those new ideas and actions into a stronger whole.
I know we've got a long way to go before we're the person we want to be, and it's okay to be afraid of failing, or messing up, or being wrong, or not knowing something. But rather than letting our fears stop our progress, let's turn them into ideas on how to move forward. Don't know something? Let's learn about it. Afraid of failing? Let's plan for that so that it's less likely. Worried we'll mess up? Let's consider that possibility and the harm it can do and seek to minimize the harm. Scared of being wrong? Let's look at that, too, and consider the worst that will occur if we are. By facing our fears, we can turn them into challenges to be overcome rather than letting them dominate and dictate our lives.
One of my earlier posts said to be brave, and one of the ways of doing that is to face our fears. It's okay to be frustrated with yourself for being unable to do it "right now!"--those actions you want to take to get past those fears. But growth isn't always done overnight, and patience and planning are often required. Maybe, eventually, it will be as easy as flowers blooming after rain and sun, but we've got to plant the seed first--in fertile ground where it can take root. And that means getting rid of all those fear rocks in the soil that will prevent such growth.
"Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can." That quote by Arthur Ashe is a real comfort for me today. I know I have a long way to go to get to where I want to be, but I'm moving forward. I'm clearing out those fear rocks, little by little. And maybe one day, I'll look back and see a mountain behind me--one I built by facing these challenges and overcoming them.
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